Financial Times

Alien Landings Shake Markets

The unexpected arrival of a delegation from the IX!Potl system at 2.30 pm GMT sent a tremor through world markets. The FTSE 100 index, which had been recovering the losses following from President George W Bush's latest speech, went into an immediate tailspin shedding 240 points to close 5.1% down on the day.

Shares in pharmaceutical companies and energy suppliers suffered particularly large falls, owing to rumours of advanced medical technologies and unlimited solar power on offer from the "visitors". The defense, food and household goods sectors bucked the trend by rising strongly.

"Investors are looking for a safe haven," explained Roger Flashman of Snatchz and Grabbe Investments "No matter what happens, people will always have the same basic needs: food, shelter and the means to blow the crap out of other people".

The Daily Telegraph

Opinion: Alice Staunch-Tory is concerned about the influence that the IX!Potl delegation may exert over vulnerable young people.

Instilling good, solid, old-fashioned values into one's children is a fearsome task for every right-thinking parent. It is one that has been made infinitely harder by the arrival of those people from IX!Potl.

I fully accept that the folk from IX!Potl are probably fine people, with an ancient culture that would make a fascinating documentary series on BBC 2 (with a proper RADA-trained actor to do the voice-over, in immaculate Received Pronunciation). However, this does not mean it is a good idea to let them have free reign to express their views, potentially corrupting the minds of anyone under the age of 45.

I well remember the fatal slackening of moral fibre that occurred in the disgraceful 1960s - the nation has never fully recovered its true spirit of net-curtain-twitching disapproval as a means of social control.

The Guardian

Editorial: Extending the Hand of Friendship to the Stars

This week a brave group of people arrived in Britain from teh plant IX!Potl. It has been disheartening to see the outburst of unreasoning prejudice that has emerged from some areas of the British press in response to this momentous occasion.

The are people of different origin to ourselves (the offensive and divisive term "Alien" with its negative associations should have no place in reference to our gentle guests). They have crossed an unimaginable gulf to arrive here, not only in terms of distance, but of culture and history, even evolution. It is the clear duty of the British people, and every Grauniad reader to make them feel welcome, to learn and to extend the hand of friendship to all who are willing to take it (with whatever suitable appendage they may possess).

The Sun

EXCLUSIVE: PRINCE WILLIAM LOOKED AT OLDER WOMAN!

In the picture above you can see that Will's eyes have clearly strayed to the woman sitting opposite him at the table. But with tits like that, who can blame the lad!

What does this mean for the future of the British Monarchy?!! Read our exclusive investigation on pages 2-17, 19, 21, 23-24.

Aliens Invade

20 aliens landed in Woking yesterday. They have no tits, don't like football and have never seen Eastenders. The Sun says: BORING!!!

Daily Mail

250,000 Homes on Greenbelt for Alien Invaders

Xenophobe Rent-a-Quote UK has told the Daily Mail that the 20 strong delegation from IX!Potl is merely the first wave of an estimated 15 million aliens that the Home Office expects to arrive in the country over the next 3 months. The aliens, who clearly lack the backbone to stay on their own planet and build a fine society of their own; are attracted by Britain's generous social security and health service.

"We will have to build a quarter of a million homes on unspoilt English countryside to accommodate the influx. Local schools will teach IX!Potl customs, and the hospitals will be overwhelmed by suspicious alien diseases."

House prices will suffer a catastrophic collapse and decent folk will be forced to send their children to a school that isn't the best in the area.

Leatherhead Advertiser

Local Woman Witnesses Alien Landings

Mrs Judith Williamson (64) of Eastwick Park Avenue in Great Bookham, experienced yesterday's momentous events first hand.

"I went shopping in Kingston" she revealed. "You can get some lovely sheets on special offer in John Lewis at the moment. After that I popped over to visit my sister Felicity in Woking. She can't get out to much these days, with her leg. We had some really nice ham sandwiches for lunch (if only Sainsburys in Leatherhead would sell that wafer-thin Yorkshire ham, I keep asking the manager). Then suddenly, there was this huge flash outside the windows, rather like lightning I suppose. The next thing was a great big bang, that shook the house. I can prove it was really big because a plate that we brought back as a souvenir of our holiday in Brighton in 1952 fell off the mantel and smashed. There were lots of sirens and a policeman knocked on the door to ask us to stay indoors until the all-clear. It was just like Mum's stories about the Blitz."